feeling guilty about a scary situation

Now that the week has come to an end, I'm ready to explain and process a scary situation from Monday night. After a full day of clinic, I was finally home and settled in for an evening of getting work done when I heard a woman's blood-curdling screams of “help me” over and over again.

       I didn’t think. I just reacted and started dialing 911 as I grabbed a cast iron skillet and ran out into the hallway. I don’t know what I intended to do with said skillet, but it sounded as if a woman was being attacked and I couldn’t exactly hide out in my apartment listening to someone begging for help. As soon as I entered the hall, I realized that the screams were coming from my neighbor who seemed to be in no apparent danger, well not from anyone else that is. But she was in danger from herself. She was pulling out clumps of her own hair and throwing herself into the wall while screaming for help. Most of my neighbors were in the hallway by this point with everyone just staring. I think no one knew how to react. It was terrifying. I did my best to calm her down and attempt to restrain her because she was hurting herself. She kept telling us how if we left her alone, she would commit suicide by throwing herself off the balcony or slitting her wrists. After a few minutes, it became apparent that she needed to be sedated and put on a suicide watch. So I called 911.

I have never encountered anything like this in person. It was like one of those mental breakdowns that you would only expect see on a TV drama. It was overwhelming to react to or know what was best to do, especially with a stranger. And there was a small part of me that didn’t want to have to deal with it at all, which I feel beyond guilty about. Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in ourselves that it becomes difficult to think about others. But I couldn’t help but think to myself...I have a test at 8AM, a 6-page paper I need to start, and a blog post I promised my readers I would share tonight. Obviously, none of that mattered in the face of this grief-stricken woman that felt she had no other way of coping with her pain than suicide. I ended up spending the night with the police and paramedics while they got a court order to do a psych hold and evaluation. Then I accompanied her to the hospital and spent what was left of the night notifying her family and friends that she had been hospitalized. But I couldn’t help thinking...how did I get stuck with all of this? I don't even know this person. 

It felt so much like a burden to not sleep all night. It felt like a burden that I had to cram for my test at 4AM to make up for the lost study time. It felt like a burden to fall behind for the week, both with work and sleep. It felt like a burden to have to care for her pet while she was hospitalized. I felt obligated to help because I knew if I didn't, the worst would happen. But somehow, it’s not enough for me that I did everything I could. Because even though my actions were selfless, my thoughts were not. I guess I'm only human.